Relational Stress and Blurred Boundaries
WHAT’S THE ISSUE: Sometimes it isn’t a particular argument that causes relational stress; it’s chronic dysfunctional relational dynamics, like blurred parent-child or teacher-student relational boundaries. Blurred boundaries cause chronic relational stress that negatively affects our relationships. You see this in enmeshment – a blurring of boundaries where we struggle to separate our independent, true selves from others.
RELATIONAL STRESS: BOUNDARIES AND ENMESHMENT
“Enmeshment is a psychological term that describes a blurring of boundaries between people, typically family members. Enmeshment often contributes to dysfunction in families and may lead to a lack of autonomy and independence that can become problematic. Signs of enmeshment:
- a child being ‘best friends’ with a parent
- lack of appropriate privacy between parent and child
- one child receives special privileges from a parent.”
“Enmeshment” on GoodTherapy.org
Let’s look at how these signs of enmeshment can cause relational stress. Do you recognize any of the following signs of enmeshment in any of your relationships?
PARENT/TEACHER TO CHILD: "I WANT US TO BE FRIENDS"
In relationships that have clear power dynamics, like parent-child and teacher-student relationships, it’s emotionally immature to want to be friends with those in our care. It’s also unfair on the child/student; you’re acting like a balance of power is possible. The truth is, it’s not.
Friendships don’t have power imbalances; a friend is a peer, an equal. Teachers and parents do not have the same amount of power as a child in a teacher-student or parent-child relationship. This is not an opinion. It’s a fact.
Being friendly is different from being friends. It’s unfair to tell a child that you can be ‘friends’ in relationships that have inherent power imbalances. Parents have more power than kids in a parent-kid relationship. Teachers have more power than students in a teacher-student relationship.
Setting boundaries allows you to have positive relationships with young people because they know where they stand. Boundaries create trust. Good relationships are based on trust. If you want to have good relationships with kids, practice setting better boundaries. As parents/teachers, we are responsible for setting healthy boundaries.
PARENT TO TEEN/ADULT CHILD: "I WILL COME INTO YOUR ROOM WHENEVER I WANT"
Reconsidering boundaries helps relationships thrive. What a child needs when they are a toddler is different from what they need when they are a teenager/adult. Little ones need supervision for their safety as they explore the world around them. If you want to continue supervising teens and adult kids without reconsidering your boundaries, you may find yourself struggling to maintain a good relationship with your teen/adult child in the long term.
When you disrespect a child’s personal boundaries it can become a big source of relational stress among adult kids/teens in enmeshed environments. The teen/adult child repeatedly tries to set a boundary (e.g. ‘Please stop bursting into my room whenever you want. Knock before coming in’). The parent replies by repeatedly violating the boundary (e.g. ‘I slept in the same room with my sister growing up. We were happy. So I don’t see why I have to knock on your door’). Eventually, the teen/adult child decides to start locking their bedroom door to try and protect their emotional health.
Upward socioeconomic mobility brings greater material comforts to the next generation, but mental health and well-being are nurtured by emotional comforts…not material ones. A teen/adult child is emotionally comforted when their parent respects their request to knock on the door rather than barging in. Respecting a boundary shows respect for the evolution of the parent-child relationship. It shows you acknowledge that your child is becoming an individual.
When you repeatedly disrespect a child’s boundary, you teach them it’s OK to tolerate behavior that disrespects their voicing their need for space. Is that really what you want for them, long-term? Do you want them to tolerate staying in unhappy personal or professional relationships where their voice is disrespected and their personal boundaries repeatedly violated?
PARENT TO CHILD/ADULT CHILD: "IF YOU FINISH YOUR (FILL IN THE GAP), YOU'LL GET (MONEY/A REWARD)"
Parents and teachers can make the mistake of bribing students who are not motivated to study. I made this mistake when I was an inexperienced young teacher at the start of my teaching career. Bribing middle school students who lack inner motivation to do their work using stickers was a good idea (…so I thought…!). I learned it only works in the short term. Even then, the quality of those students’ work was still questionable; they were more interested in the reward that improving as learners. Rewards don’t change one’s mindset from a Fixed Mindset to a Growth Mindset, which I have now learned is a major factor affecting study motivation. Why bother trying if deep down you think you may be ‘dumb’ or ‘no good at History/Languages/Math etc’, and you believe intelligence is fixed?
When we bribe kids to study with external motivation rewards, it’s like we are saying ‘poor behavior gets rewarded here with special treatment’. In a family with two kids where one displays conscientious and responsible behavior, the child that displays irresponsible behavior ends up getting rewarded with special treatment. They learn that if they behave irresponsibly and have a negative attitude toward work, they will get material benefits (rewards) for that kind of attitude.
There are other long-term problems with this approach to motivating someone to study:
- The special treatment of one child can breed resentment in the more responsible sibling, setting the stage for a bad relationship to develop.
- A child who learns to depend on external rewards to be motivated to make an effort can transfer that emotionally immature, entitled attitude into their relationship with their future bosses (‘You’re gonna have to give me a raise if you want me to make an effort’). At best, they will struggle to progress in their career as an adult. At worst, they will struggle to hold down a job without getting fired.
- The foundation is set for an enmeshed parent-child relationship with that child in the future; the parent feels they have to keep giving their child material or financial incentives.
Ask yourself what the real reason is for you taking on too much of a child’s academic success responsibilities. This can help break the cycle of bribing kids to study. Sometimes the underlying reason is that you feel powerless, insecure, or incompetent. If you’re a parent who works a lot, maybe you feel guilty that you are not as present as you would like for your kid. Be honest.
Are you ready to face the root of the problem? If so, this interview with parent and therapist Marléne Rose Shaw may help you get your parenting confidence back (see below):
RELATIONAL STRESS: "DON'T GET ANGRY" (PRETEND TO BE OK)
“In families dominated by emotionally immature people, enmeshment and playing roles are valued in order to keep the family “close.” Of course, genuine communication and emotional intimacy are absent in such families. No one’s true self is ever acknowledged. Further, in an enmeshed family, if you have a problem with someone, you talk about that person to other people instead of going to the person directly. Bowen called this triangling and characterized enmeshment as the glue that keeps such families together.”
Dr Lindsay C Gibson
In family and school environments where your true self and emotional needs aren’t acknowledged, anger ends up being expressed in indirect ways. Your body can say ‘no’ by:
- refusing to pick up the phone when a parent calls (Flight stress response: ‘What’s the point of talking when he/she never listens?’)
- moving to another town or country to set a clear geographic boundary (Flight stress response: ‘Out of sight, out of mind’)
- only talking about the boundary problem with anyone but the person who is disrespecting your need for a healthy relational boundary (Flight response: fear of confrontation)
When you have repeated experiences of your voice not being heard, the body sets a boundary. It’s a normal coping strategy for relational stress when authentic expression of emotion is not valued in a school or family environment.
If your voice has been conditioned to shut down such that you compulsively people-please and stop trying to say what you want, the body may say ‘no’ in life-threatening ways. Retired physician Gabor Mate talks about this in When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. If you are an adult who is fortunate enough to have the tools to understand what your body is telling you, you may listen to the anger. As a result, you may set physical boundaries by moving on to work or live elsewhere…before getting sick.
Valuing toxic positivity more than authentic emotional communication in a family or school environment makes it impossible for people to experience authentic happiness; nothing ever gets resolved. How can relationships thrive in environments where conflicts around boundary violations can never be resolved?
Anger is a valuable emotion to acknowledge and express when done constructively. It tells us that we need to set a relational boundary. Boundaries are what people who are in enmeshed parent-child / teacher-student relationships find hard to accept. When we are aware of our anger in a particular situation, it’s a sign that one of our boundaries has been violated. We can then use our emotional and social intelligence to communicate our needs and set a boundary. This may help to shift an unhealthy, stress-inducing enmeshed relationship into a healthy relationship.
Acknowledging your anger is the first step to building those authentic social and emotional learning skills that are necessary for us humans to thrive. Anger teaches you when it’s time to set a boundary. It also teaches you when it’s time to move on. Healthy anger occurs when a personal or professional boundary has been crossed. It’s information, not something to fear or be shut down. Personal and professional relationship that make room for authenticity and mutual respect understand this. They don’t forbit the presence of legitimate anger. That’s more about power and control than a solid foundation for a health relationship.
REFERENCES
About the author
Eleni Vardaki is a therapeutic coach who specializes in stress, anxiety, and academic success. She believes in doable, sustainable interventions for student well-being in school, university and family cultures that value taking meaningful steps to improving community well-being.
