Drama Triangles in School Affecting Staff Well-being
WHAT’S THE ISSUE: Teachers, counsellors, administrators, and even external educational consultants who are brought in to deliver staff training in a particular school can get caught up in Drama Triangles. Getting drawn into a Drama Triangle negatively affects your well-being. The longer you are stuck in a Drama Triangle, the worse the effect on your well-being and mental health. So what is a Drama Triangle? It’s a dysfunctional relational dynamic were people take roles (Angry Persecutor “It’s your fault”, Fearful Rescuer “I will save you”, Sad Victim “I’m powerless”) that keep a school, family, or student stuck and unable to thrive.
Drama triangles in school AFFECTING community Well-being
In the context of a school environment, people being stuck in Drama Triangles can cause years – sometimes even decades – to pass before any meaningful progress occurs that supports staff and student well-being on a systems level. In the meantime, it may feel dizzying, frightening, frustrating, and certainly very confusing. It’s almost like living in a dystopian reality. Roles and responsibilities can feel like they have been turned on their head. The school environment feels like a mess.
I have that when Drama Triangle start to proliferate in intensity and frequence, that’s often a tell-tale sign that a school is going downhill. This tends to occur when people in positions of power don’t put a stop to them.
Over time, Drama Triangles erode trust. Trust in teachers, trust in school counsellors/school psychologists, trust in parents, trust in students, trust in middle leaders and senior leaders. Left to their own devices, Drama Triangles can even erode trust in the education system as a whole.
what are Drama triangles?
The concept of a Drama Triangle originates in the world of therapy. It was a model of human interaction proposed by San Francisco psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in 1968 describing social dysfunction. That social system could be a family system. But more recently, it’s been used more and more to help people understand what’s causing distressing levels of stress in dysfunctional workplace systems, including schools.
The Drama Triangle comes in handy for my 1:1 therapeutic coaching sessions with school staff who want to tap on the chronic stress-related health problems they are experiencing that stem from a dysfunctional work environment. When people get a bird’s eye view understanding of what’s going on, they can then choose to step out of the Drama Triangle.
However, I’ve come to realize the need for more school staff to become more aware of Karpman’s Drama Triangle beyond the 1:1 therapy and coaching world. If we want to improve staff well-being, I think we need to educate staff on how to recognize an existing or potential Drama Triangle so that they can step out of it or prevent getting sucked into it.
I’m going to share with you some examples of what Drama Triangles look like in school settings from my experience working in schools, with schools, and from what I am seeing happening in schools via my private practice school staff clients.
PREFRAME: The "Crying bully" act
But before I do that, a word of caution. One way you can know if something is not a Drama Triangle issue, but a real bullying incident that requires you to take responsible action, is when a bully plays what’s called the “crying bully” act. You can witness this type of gaslighting both when the Bully/Persecutor behaviour is coming from a student as well as when it is coming from a colleague.
I first learned the term “crying bully” from Eric Berne’s book Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relations. While parts of the book are outdated, this term is incredibly useful for anyone who works in school settings because (as you can imagine), bullying happens in all schools, irrespective of if they are public or private schools. But this describes the behaviour in a succinct way that is useful for understanding what the problem is in certain situations.
Now, a child or adult who instigates bullying behaviour in a premediated way tends to be keen to avoid getting caught or punished for their behaviour. So one of the skills any good teacher needs to develop is the skill of seeing behind any gaslighting that may be occurring so as to identify when a child or colleague is playing the “crying bully” act. In other words, to see when someone is acting like the Victim (e.g. “I didn’t do anything!” when confronted, even though you saw them hit their classmate with your own eyes) …when they are in fact the bully.
When school staff engage in the crying bully act, they tend to be a lot more ‘clever’ about it. They are, after all, educated humans who have gone to university and may even have been very good students themselves. They aren’t stupid to harass a colleague, or a colleague’s child who is in their class as a passive aggressive way of hurting a colleague they have fallen out with, overtly. If they are to bully a child or adult, they will tend to do so through covert relational aggression.
So to be clear, the Drama Triangle is not when there is a real victim – like when a teacher or senior/middle manager is harassing another colleague at work. Nor is it when a parent is harassing the school principal or a specific teacher, for example. The crying bully act is when someone tries to present themselves as a victim when they are not the victim. They are the perpetrator. It’s an act to cover up their aggressive behaviour.
Schools are responsible for having clear policies and systems in place for investigating and appropriately dealing with bullying and workplace harassment issues in good time.
In addition, violations of a countries labour law in how many hours you are making teachers work, or racism and sexism showing up in the way school staff of different genders or backgrounds are paid are also separate issues. Even if your school forbids Trade Union representation for working rights issues, you may want to consider finding a good lawyer who can represent you if it comes to that.
Alternatively, if you are working in a private or public school in Europe, you can also find out where you and your colleagues who are being discriminated against can file a complaint to government bodies responsible for overseeing workers rights issues. Finally, you have the option to leave your current job after looking to find an employment opportunity, either in your country or abroad, where workers’ rights and fair trade is respected.
DRAMA TRIANGLEs In school: STaff meetings
One place where the Drama Triangle can present itself in school settings is in a routine staff meeting. For example, a senior leader who is responsible for leading a particular staff meeting for a sub-group of teachers who they are responsible for asks a routine question. The question is a standard part of their meeting agenda, bullet pointed as ‘Causes for Concern’. Every meeting, they ask “Has anyone got any students they are concerned about?” It might be that a teacher is concerned because of the lack of academic progress a particular student is making in their subject, or persistent/severe behavioural issues, or signs of worrying social exclusion/mental health issues, or a combination.
So then a teacher responds by highlighting a student they are very concerned about and why. The school leader then responds “Well, they’re fine in my class…”, a passive aggressive Persecutor/Bully move in the Drama Triangle. The message they are sending to everyone in the room is “You are the problem, not the student.” No regard for the fact that some students find some subjects harder than others, and so they can act out in one subject because succeeding in that subject isn’t as easy for them. No regard for the fact that some students feel safer opening up to some teachers about a mental health challenge. No regard for the fact that most students have better behaviour in lessons where the teacher also holds a senior leadership title than for lessons taught by someone who is just a teacher.
So two colleagues then go into Rescue mode by admitting that they are also observing the same behaviour issues in their class from said student. The school leader smiles and replies to them all “Well, I’m not seeing any of that in my class.”
Most of the teachers who were in that meeting go into the Victim role. They start to feel powerless to raise issues of Causes of Concern in future meetings. They learn, over time, that they are not being asked a genuine question. The response to raising a concern is always dismissive, sometimes even patronizing. The school leader running those meeting keeps going into Persecutor “It’s your fault” every time someone dares to raise a concern. Even when others confirm they have the same experience with a student whose behaviour is a serious cause for concern, at best they get is a dismissive smile and a shoulder shrug. At worst, they get an angry response. All responses communicate the same message: “I don’t really care. You are on your own.”
This Drama Triangle goes on for many years. Eventually, some teachers choose to step out of the Drama Triangle by no longer going to this school leader’s meetings. Of course, nothing is done about it because everyone knows the meetings are just symbolic. Nothing’s going to change. Everyone knows that they are never going to turn into a genuine problem-solving exercise where issues are raised and action points are agreed upon.
At least by stepping out of this staff meeting Drama Triangle, you no longer accept to be sucked into the powerless ‘I’m helpless’ Victim role. You are out of the Drama Triangle, no longer putting up with your time being wasted.
DRAMA TRIANGLEs In school: Grades
Another place where the Drama Triangle can occur in school settings is, of course, the classroom in combination with Parent-Teacher Conferences / Parent Evenings / school staff meetings with difficult parents. In the last 10 years, there seems to have been a rise of students (and parents) demanding that teachers give a child good grades…when the child is not even fulfilling the requirements needed to evidence that they have earned them.
A typical scenario – little Ben is underperforming academically. He isn’t putting the effort required to develop his knowledge and skills to a level of excellent that would earn him an excellent grade in a particular subject. He isn’t doing his homework, or if he is, he’s handing it it in late, half completed, or completed but of poor quality.
Ben’s teacher keeps giving him feedback on exactly what he needs to do to improve his writing skills in that subject so that he can achieve the ambitious grades he has set himself as a goal for that term/semester. Ben keeps failing to implement the feedback whenever there is a test or essay homework assignment that presents an opportunity to get his grade up.
Perhaps this is an issue across the board for all of his academic subjects. In P.E., Music, and Art, he seems to be doing alright. Not so in the more academic subjects like English, Maths, and History that may require more disciplined effort, studying, and practice.
In the classroom and at meetings with Ben’s parents to discuss his progress, he goes into Victim, hanging his head, going quiet, and avoiding eye contact when the discussion turns to his academic progress block. Ben’s mum goes into Persecutor role, angrily blaming the teacher for Ben’s resistance to acting on the teacher’s constructive feedback. The whole point of giving students feedback is to help them understand how they can achieve their goal and make progress. Ben is failing to appreciate and make the most of this opportunity.
Ben’s mum continues to try and blame the teacher, in front of Ben, communicating the “It’s your fault” message through various lines of questioning.
EXAMPLE 1: “Why don’t you help him?” The teacher clarifies “I repeatedly remind students that if they need help they can stay after the lesson for 5 minutes to ask me about whatever they are unsure about and get extra support. Ben is never one of the students that chooses to accept the extra help.”
EXAMPLE 2: “Ben is doing so many extra curricular activities, he doesn’t always have time to do his homework on time. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve an A for effort.” Teacher clarifies, “Well if he isn’t doing all his homework in this subject, he hasn’t yet earned an A for effort in this subject.”)
The parent keeps repeating the same arguments, angrily trying to justify their “It’s your fault” belief against the teacher, despite the fact that their arguments don’t stand up to the facts. Both parents and teachers know that some teachers were giving students grades purely in response to parental demands, just to get parents off their backs. But this teacher continues to avoid getting sucked into a Drama Triangle by not giving the demand that they ‘Rescue’ this child by bumping up their grade, even though they haven’t earned it. All because Ben’s mum is trying to portray him as a Victim to the ‘system’ that will ‘cost’ him his desired Ivy League college place or inflated predicted grade.
The teacher ends the meeting by making clear to both parent and child exactly what the child needs to do to earn the grade they are aiming for in that particular subject. If a child want’s to enjoy more academic success, they need to improve the quality and quantity of their written work. More effort.
DRAMA TRIANGLEs In school: Homework
Homework is another area where Drama Triangles occur. The classic example is of a mum who spends hours sitting next to her child every night doing his or her homework with them. They behave as if they are going through school again, themselves, saying things like ‘We didn’t do well on the last test’ to other mums – as if their child’s grade is also their grade!
In this scenario, the parent may shift back and forth from the Persecutor role (angry, shouting when the child makes a mistake while trying to solve a Maths homework problem) to the Rescuer role (doing the homework for their child to avoid hearing back from the teacher what they know – that the child didn’t isn’t doing/finishing their homework).
Another reason why a parent – usually the mum – does the homework for the child and gets their child to hand it in the next day as if it is the child’s work, may be because they haven’t yet done much inner work on themselves. Maybe they see working with a therapist or a coach as too much of an expense. Perhaps they are judgmentally assume that only ‘crazy’ people do therapy. Such judgement prevent them from understanding what limiting beliefs are keeping them stuck in trying to Rescue their child.
Parental limiting beliefs that can keep this Drama Triangle could relate to issues such as perfectionism (e.g. I believe my child needs to be perfect for me to be a good enough mum), enmeshment (e.g. I believe my child is an extension of me – their failures are my failures). They may not even be aware that perfectionism is unhealthy, and how it differs from the pursuit of excellence. They may not know that enmeshment in parent child relationships is unhealthy.
Learn more: “Enmeshment: Relational Stress and Blurred Boundaries”
Meanwhile, some mothers here in Greece pay for private tutors to sit next to their child to get them to do their homework if they are unavailable to do it due to work commitments or feeling out of their depth. Others pay for after school ‘Study Centres’ (Κέντρα Μελέτης) to supervise their kids so that they do their homework. However even here, the ‘I pay you to do this, so I expect to hear from my child’s teacher that my child did their homework perfectly’ pressure is put on the teachers supervising kids. In other words, fee paying parents go into Persecutor “It’s your fault” if their child is not fulfilling their study responsibilities to the unrealistic expectations of the parent.
It’s not uncommon for teachers working as tutors and in study centres to get sucked into the Drama Triangle, taking the role of Rescuer by doing the homework for a child.
And if you think this is just an issue affecting Greek state schools, think again. It’s a massive issue affecting the credibility of IB World schools as more and more parents seek IB teachers who tutor on the black market, paying them thousands of Euros to do their child’s IB Theory of Knowledge coursework for them, for example.
It’s not new – this is a global phenomenon that has been going on for at least 10 years. And it brings into question how far the IB Diploma results of an international school are truly due to the excellent teaching that goes on there, as the marketing websites of many of these schools suggest.
ABOUT Eleni Vardaki
Eleni Vardaki was one of the higher performing teachers in the schools where she used to work. When the pandemic hit, she decided to change course, resigning from her teaching job to go all in on her dream of helping bridge the gap between the fields of education and psychology. She now works as a Therapeutic Coach in private practice and Educational Consultant for schools specialized in EFT Tapping for stress, anxiety, and academic performance.
