Expat Spouses: You Matter

Given the family leadership role that the expat spouse plays, her adaptation and happiness abroad is the linchpin of a successful international experience for globally-mobile families. Failing to pay attention to her own needs and desires can unhinge all of the work she’s done to create a thriving life abroad for her family. I hope that by sharing my story, it will inspire other expat spouses to feel what I’ve learned from my life abroad experiences: expat spouse, you matter.

According to a 2018 study by NetExpat and EY, the majority of international assignments fail due to an unhappy partner who fails to adapt to the host location. How can that be? Isn’t living abroad a dream-come-true?

Many families jump at the opportunity to move abroad. Career advancement, exotic travel, and foreign cultural immersion sound exciting. Once the decision to expatriate is made, there is a flurry of pre-departure activity. Caught up in the excitement, many families fail to realize that they don’t know what they don’t know about their new life. 

Upon arrival in the host country, the “honeymoon” period begins. Everything is new and exciting – the people, the food, the language, and the local norms. The husband – as most lead expats tend to be men – is busy in his new role. The children are off at their new school making friends. That leaves the expat spouse (a.k.a. expat wife, accompanying spouse, expat partner, trailing spouse) to figure “everything else” out. 

To be fair, I’m overly simplifying the scenario. In some cases, the working partner is very helpful or other support is provided to establish the family in the host country. But, throughout my 15+ years as an expat spouse and now a life coach for other international women, this is what I’ve seen. 

I’ll tell you a bit about my family’s first of four expatriations to illustrate how this scenario can unfold. In 2004, I stepped off of my traditional career path to become an expat spouse in Tokyo. I was excited for the adventure, yet terrified because my career was my identity. A few days after we landed, my husband left for the first of many business trips and I was busy doing all of the things that I thought a supportive expat spouse ‘should’ do. 

I went through the motions of setting up our new home, trying to build a local network, figuring out how to buy groceries, and all of the other tasks associated with expatriation. I had to navigate these tasks in a country where I didn’t speak the local language, had no friends, and didn’t fully understand the culture.

As the honeymoon phase faded, I found myself on the emotional rollercoaster of culture shock. I put on a brave face. All of the energy that was previously devoted to my career was focused on creating a comfortable home for my family, designing a lifestyle that would enable us to thrive abroad, and supporting my husband’s career.

In retrospect, I was lost and lonely. Friends back home couldn’t relate to what I was going through. They seemed to think that as an expat spouse I was on one long vacation when the majority of my time was spent on mind-numbing domestic tasks. I hadn’t yet found ‘my people’ in Tokyo. The aspects of living in a foreign culture that I once found charming began to frustrate me. I felt guilty that I wasn’t enjoying my ‘dream-come-true’ life abroad.

I was so focused on creating a thriving international experience for ‘us’ that I didn’t notice that I had lost my sense of self. All that I did know was that something wasn’t right and my happy expat spouse mask was beginning to slip.

Fast forward nearly 20 years and I now look at our first stint abroad as a gift. I fondly
refer to it as a crash course in personal development – one that was badly needed as I
now live a much more authentic and meaningful life compared to my corporate climbing days. My new lifestyle didn’t come quickly or easily, but my time abroad gave me the time and space to get to know what I wanted for myself on a much deeper level.

I’m not alone in this thought. Studies have shown that “living abroad leads to greater self-concept clarity”. This is the extent to which someone’s understanding of self is clearly and confidently defined, internally consistent, and stable over time.

During my most challenging period abroad, when my “self-concept clarity” was at its lowest, I realized that I wasn’t doing my family any favors by struggling in silence. My stress and discontent were filtering into our daily life. If I didn’t do something, I risked pulling my family into my downward spiral.

I wasn’t sure what I needed to do, but I knew that I had to give myself permission to take control of my experience. I began to experiment. Japanese language lessons, cultural classes, volunteering, exploring with other expat spouses, and travel were worked into my schedule. I took on a few local business consulting clients and read loads of personal development books. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was experimenting with who I wanted to BE as much as what I wanted to DO.

It took me 3.5 years of experimenting to figure out who I wanted to be – to align what’s most important to me with how I spend my time. Today, I’m proud to say that I’m living a location-independent life that I love. It’s one that’s very different from what I envisioned for myself in my youth and it continues to evolve.

It took me half of a lifetime to understand that a strong sense of self is not selfish and it doesn’t have to detract from supporting my family. This is the reason that I coach other international women. It’s fulfilling to use all that I’ve learned and experienced to help others to create an authentic life more quickly and easily than I did on my own.