How do you get it right?

We start by having a peaceful home. 

We as adults have always respected each other and we are kind to each other and we speak nicely to each other. We did not teach our kids this. It is acquired behaviour. This in turn leads to calmer by nature children – with good manners. They can deal with stressful situations better as they have seen how we handle ourselves in a crisis. Monkey see, monkey do!

We want them to be patient, we show patience. We want them to talk and not shout, we don’t shout when angry. We want them to come to dinner without a phone, we never bring ours to the table. We don’t buy coke and then tell the kids its bad for you. Basically, don’t be a hypocrite and pull rank.

We have also never punished our children. And our friends can vouch for this. We used every mistake they have made to teach them the right way. This is part of growing up.

You have to know that your children will make mistakes and that it is not a crime! They will do badly in a test, they will tell a small lie, they will be unreasonable at times. Especially teenagers who have all the hormones controlling them. As adults, you have to control your temper and fighting with a teenager shows how immature you actually are and how stressed you are. So, better deal with your inner issues first and stop taking it out on a child. That is bullying. You are not perfect, you make mistakes every day, but you want your kids to be perfect because you think you can control fate. In other words, first fix your issue and then try tell a child to change.

I find that most of my friends are always running on empty because of long, busy days. What they are forgetting is that their kids are feeling the same way. They should be coming home and having some ‘me’ time to unwind (at least 30 min), then having a nice catch up with their kids in good spirits-taking in to consideration that everyone is feeling tired. Instead, they say 100 things they have had on their minds all week, complaining and raising their voices and then when their teenagers retaliate they say, “These kids are driving me mad.” So, are you really telling them what they need to hear, or are you offloading your stress? Is this about them or you?

We never discuss important issues on long days. We wait for the weekend or an easy day when we can all just stop and listen. We want them to learn to do the same. So we say, “Today is not a good day, please let’s talk about it another day, thanks.”

If your children are still young, I would highly recommend a book called Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline, by Rebecca Bailey. It is an amazing book to have on your shelf and refer to it often. It teaches you how to have reasonable expectations and how to make sure you practice what you preach and how to get it right-so that you raise self-confident children. Because words can make or break a child.

If you have teenagers, I would highly recommend that you start doing more things you love as a couple, or on your own/with a friend if you are a single parent. This will make you a happier person and teenagers respond to this very well. They do not need or want you much around the house anyway. Don’t worry, it’s normal and they still love you. Invest in your happiness, it will go a long way! We go to the movies, watch our own Netflix series, have BBQ’s in our garden with friends, cycle around our village town and chat, go for walks and catch up on things. Sometimes we include the children if they want, if not, we have accepted that they can make their own choices. We are not control freaks.